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Joke Thread
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 11-10-2007 09:21
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any better jokes on this site?
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 11-10-2007 09:22
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 11-10-2007 09:27
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 12-10-2007 08:18
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Good ones morde 
And thanks for keeping the thread alive while i have been busy 
A man went to hell where the devil showed him 3 rooms. He is to choose one room to be in for all eternity.
First room he was shown opened up to a sea of fire, where thousands of souls were burning in agony. The man said "No please! I don't want to be condemned to such agony!" Devil replied "Alright, we'll go on to next room".
Second room opened up to millions of souls tied to pillars and they were whipped mercilessly by demons. The man said "No please! I beg you, not this room!" Devil replied "Alright, we'll go on to next room".
Third room opened up to a sorry-looking old soul who's suffering from a rotting skin that reeks of blood and pus. A gorgeous woman was giving him a blowjob. The man turned to the devil " Yes! This is the room I want to spend for all eternity!" Devil replied "Alright, so it shall be done." The Devil then turned to the sexy woman and said " Hey you, you're being replaced".
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die! |
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 12-10-2007 10:25
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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thats gross...  its kinda a plague or colera question... hmm... the right term would be damned if u do and damned if u dont.. 
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 12-10-2007 10:57
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Here comes a real spammer
101 Things NOT to say during sex.
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanutbutter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 23-10-2007 11:48
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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Knock Knock jokes
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don’t know. I just deliver packages.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I’m the guy delivering it.
Great.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I’ll be right out, Susan.
Knock, knock
Who’s there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It’s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who
Don’t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo”
You’re a real idiot.
That wasn’t necessary.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last!
Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you’re fat, huh?
I’m…
You are, aren’t you? Fat!
I’m plumpish.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
FBI!
…
…
Hello? FBI! Let us in!
…
…nobody here…
Oh. Let’s go boys!
(Phew!)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s. Let the whore sleep it off.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I’m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.
Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I’m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So…
You want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don’t forget to light a match.
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 23-10-2007 11:54
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Knock knock
Whos there?
Indurain
Indurain who?
IM SIIINGING IN DU RAIN!!
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Glimpf |
Posted on 25-10-2007 00:28
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Member
Posts: 110
Joined: 24/11/2006 09:43
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yo' momma is so fat, shes got her own moon. |
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| Titan |
Posted on 29-11-2007 21:55
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Member
Posts: 76
Joined: 05/09/2007 19:11
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2 men are sitting in a bar on the 40th floor of a sky scraper the barkeeper is listening to the conversation there having 1 of the men says to the other "did you know if you jump out the window by the time you reach the 13th floor the wind will push you back into the building" the other man laughs and says to prove it so the man jumps out the window and by the time he reaches the 13th floor hes pushed back inside the building. the other man is astonished and doesnt believe him so again the man jumps out the window and by the time he reaches the 13th floor hes pushed back in. the other man is so surprised and trys it for him self as he plummets down he reaches the 13th floor but does not stop and splatters on the floor.
the barkeeper smirks at the man and says boy superman you are a bastard when your pissed.
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 30-11-2007 11:11
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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hahaha good one titan
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| mordac |
Posted on 12-12-2007 10:52
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Member
Posts: 37
Joined: 03/11/2007 21:10
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A man is sitting on a chair at the maternity ward. He is really nervous as his wife is giving birth to his child. He's walking back and forth for hours smoking cigarettes, really trembling. As the hours pass he just gets more and more nervous, wondering if something is wrong. Finally a doctor comes out with a little baby in his arms, saying: Congratulations it's a little baby boy!. The doctor then grabs the baby by the legs and smashes it with all his might against the wall. The father is completely stunned. The doctor then cracks into a grin saying: Haha, don't worry, the baby was stillborn. |
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| mordac |
Posted on 12-12-2007 11:03
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Member
Posts: 37
Joined: 03/11/2007 21:10
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Read this somewhere else, don't remember where so no idea if you al know it allready. Still posting it though hoping there are no catholic officers, leaving me with the shortest membership ever 
A paladin, a priest and a rogue are walking around in stormwind. They decide to give the orphins of stormwind something nice; a boat trip. The day comes and they set sail. All is well at start, but as they sail the weather suddenly turns bad. The weather goes from good to bad and into a raving storm. The storm rips and smashes the boat leaving it at the verge of sinking.
The paladin says: Lets throw our selves overboard. If we do this we might be able to buy the children some time. Someone might to come by and rescue them.
The rogue looks discusted at this noble act and goes: Screw the children!!.
The priest looks thoughtful for a moment and says: Do you think we have the time?
Edited by mordac on 12-12-2007 11:05
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| lisele |
Posted on 12-12-2007 12:13
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Member
Posts: 435
Joined: 25/05/2007 11:19
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LOL |
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| mordac |
Posted on 13-12-2007 15:19
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Member
Posts: 37
Joined: 03/11/2007 21:10
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What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW. |
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 14-12-2007 07:00
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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haha, aint that the truth =)
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Versipellis |
Posted on 14-12-2007 12:43
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Member
Posts: 349
Joined: 15/05/2007 22:45
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ok for you guyz to have a background on Temel jokes : Temel is a typical Laz name like Dursun or Idris.. Laz ppl are living mostly in northern border, cost of the blacksea and they' re known by their practical logic and a big nose not a methaphore, physically big nose
Now the joke:
Temel is the Kaptan-ı Derya of the Ottoman fleet (Kaptan-ı derya = admiral in ottoman language) one day when he was sailing he sees a pirate ship and orders his crew to be prepared for the battle and also to bring him his red shirt .. they fight and win the battle , after the fight his head of the crew comes and asks, "why u ordered your red shirt sir?" and Temel says, "If i hurt , i don't want my crew to see my blood.." , after a couple of days when they' re sailing they see 3 pirate ships , and again Temel asks for his red shirt, they fight and they win again.. yet again after five days of sailing Temel sees 7 pirate ships coming towards the fleet, he calls his man and says "bring me my brown trousers.."
Edited by Versipellis on 14-12-2007 12:44
DPS with a "tude".. How suprising..
You can run.. But you just die tired.. |
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 14-12-2007 13:13
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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hahaa that would have been soooooo cool if you went like
great joke
the admiral = Bizz ottoman fleet = TBO
pirate ship = random bosses in WoW =D
Edited by Mordekay on 14-12-2007 13:14
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Joe |
Posted on 15-12-2007 03:19
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Member
Posts: 646
Joined: 24/11/2006 21:29
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Got this from a m8 in an E-Mail
Proud to be British!
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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| lisele |
Posted on 04-01-2008 11:20
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Member
Posts: 435
Joined: 25/05/2007 11:19
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I found that on the internet today, maybe you know it, I found it funny and so true, unfortunatly for the poor workers.
Do you ever feel a trip to your boss's office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.
"Great job on the report!"
Translation: "I'm taking credit for your work."
"I have to attend an off-site meeting."
Translation: "I'm having an affair."
"Let me give you some broadstroke ideas and you can fill in the rest."
Translation: "I still haven't learned how to create an Excel document."
"Headquarters has assured me we will not be affected by the merger."
Translation: "You are going to be fired."
"I'm not sure if what you are suggesting is in alignment with our core competencies."
Translation: "What exactly do we do again?"
"This office is a family and my door is always open if you ever need to powwow with Papa Bear."
Translation: "I am a tool."
"I'll be out of the office for a couple hours with senior management, but you can reach me on my mobile."
Translation: "I'm playing golf."
"I'll be off-site and unreachable for the rest of the afternoon."
Translation: "I'm playing golf and I expect to be very, very drunk."
"I think we should order in some lunch for the team."
Translation: "None of you are getting a raise. Enjoy your pizza."
"I don't want to have to micromanage this whole operation!"
Translation: "I'm the boss because I made good business contacts at my Ivy League university; I don't know how to actually do things."
"This came down from up top."
Translation: "I have no real power."
"I can't give you an answer at this moment. Let me survey the situation and see what we can leverage out of it."
Translation: "Oh God, I wish I was still in sales!"
"It's good to see you take such bold initiative!"
Translation: "You are a threat to me. You will be fired the next time we so much as run out of coffee."
"I'll think about it."
Translation: "I'll tell you no in an e-mail, long after I've left the office."
"Did you finish those projections I asked you about on Friday?"
Translation: "I completely forgot to ask you about the projections on Friday, and I'm hoping your memory is even worse than mine."
"This is a very sensitive issue."
Translation: "I may need you to shred some documents."
"Let's push the boundaries on this one. We need something really innovative! Throw out the conventions, I want something edgy!"
Translation: "Present only safe, traditional ideas to me. I wouldn't know what to do with innovation if my life depended on it."
"We're going to be pulling some long hours and I'll be right here with the rest of you."
Translation: "My home life is miserable."
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news."
Translation: "Disappointing you is the only pleasure I have left in my dead-end, crappy job."
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