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Joke Thread
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 09:44
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Many of us are bored at work, and Lovely Lisele has asked me for a joke - from there the Joke Thread is born 
Number 1.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die! |
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 10:09
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Number 2.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 60 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 60 million Iranians!"
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 10:25
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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oki, my turn 
The disapointed lover to his girlfriend:
I like when girls moan in bed... Moaning and complaining is NOT the same!
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 10:34
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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oki... number 2 
A blind guy walks in to a restourant and sitsdown, the waitor hands him the menu, but the blind man sais he is blind and the menu wont do. The blind man sais, just bring me a used fork from the last one that was here. The waitor things its weird but brings him the fork. THe blind man smells it: "mmmm, meatloaf and mashed potatoes, i want that." so the waitor brings him the dish.
The next day the blind man is back and he gets a new used fork:
"jum jum, macaroni and cheese, sounds good, ill have that"
The waitor is sure the blind man is a hoax so the next day when the blind man comes the waitor goes in to the kitchen where the chef is, wich is also the waitors wife, and the waitor sais: take this fork, wash it and then give it a good wipe in your panties.
So the waitor brings the blind man the fork wich the chef had wiped in her underwear. The blind man gets the fork, smells it, raises an eyebrow and sais: " i didn't know marry worked here!"
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 10:57
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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HAHAHAH nice ones m8, both of em
Friendship among Women:
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:15
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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haha =) soooo true my best friend allways do that, and im a reffrence for a guy applying for a job, im supposed to say i was his seneor officer in the army HAHA...
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:19
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Ha ha nice
A couple to Lisele
Do you know why women are called housekeepers?..... After the divorce they keep the house.
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A Womans prayer
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep;
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:28
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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HAHAHA! housekeeper ftw =D
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:33
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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A blind man goes to the beach and starts blowing up a sex doll,
a lifeguard sees it and is shocked, she runs to the blind man and tells him to stop:"You can't blow up a sexdoll on a public beach!"
blind man:"sex doll? this is a sex doll?!"
Lifeguard:"yeah!"
Blind man: " You mean to say i have been shaging my rubber boat all winter?!"
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:41
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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A priest desides one that that he wants to visit his church society to see how they are doing, after visiting some church members he ends up outside an old widows house, he knocks on the door and the old lady lets the priest in, after a while he notice the old widow has some peanuts standing on her table, its close to dinnertime and the priest is hungry so he asks if he can go ahead and eat some peanuts, ofc he can the old lady sais and they continue the chat.
After a while the priest notice that he has eaten all the peanuts and is rather imbarrised and sais: "Im so sorry, it seems i have eaten all your peanuts"
The old widow goes "pff.. that doesn't matter i dont have any teeth so all i can do is suck of the chokolate cover anyways."
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| lisele |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:43
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Member
Posts: 435
Joined: 25/05/2007 11:19
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Very nice ones guys! (what a good idea to ask you lew, was brilliant choice!!!)
So here is my humble participation, and an example of my French humour:
An old lady is the witness of a very peculiar scene in the street: a boy is pulling his little sister by her hair, he stops from time to time to knock her head on the pavement stone. Her skin is covered with bruises and blood.
The old lady is scandalised and go over the boy and says: "Would you stop doing that at once, you might hurt her!!!", and the boy answers: "Why you give a fuck, she's already dead!".
(Is the favorite joke of my brother actually, and mine too!).
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:48
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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HAHAHAHA! thats so "cyanide and happiness!"
they got some imba killing, aids, slapstick humour! think u would like it lise
Link: http://www.explosm.net/comics/1040/
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 11:54
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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Ha ha ha nice ones
And Lis - im pleased to serve.
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| heijaangel |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:01
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Member
Posts: 1403
Joined: 22/11/2006 11:19
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A man walks into a pub and sees a horse sitting in the corner with a pot of gold.
The asks the bartender: "Whats does that horse doing overthere?". The bartender says: "Well, if ya can get the horse to laugh he gives you the pot with gold. But no one succeded yet.".
The man says that he will give it a try.
He walk to the horse and wisphers something in his ear and the horse begins laughing verry loud.
So the man gets his pot with gold.
The next day the man comes back to the pub and sees the horse in the corner again with another pot of gold. He asks the bartender: "Do I need the horse make laugh again?". The bartender says: "No, this time you need to make him cry.".
The man walks again to the horse and wisphers again something in his ear and the horse gets up and the walk to the ally behind the put.
Some moments later the horse comes back, crying up loud.
So the man gets again the pot with gold and walks to the bartender.
The bartender asks to the man: "Yesterday you succeed to let the horse laugh and today you succeed to let him cry. How did you do that?". The man awnsers: "Yesterday I sayed I had a bigger dick then him and today I showed it to him.".
What is SeX? SeX Is When A Boy Put His Location In A Girls Destination To Increase The Population Of The NeXt Generation. Do You Get My EXplanation? Or Do You Need a Demonstration?
There are 10 kinds of people. The 1's that understand binary and the 1's that dont. |
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:08
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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some young men are at the gym working out, then some old looking guy comes in and looks at the "kids". I sais he is in much better shape than them and they are jush shabby, so he jumps down does 50 push ups and 150 sit ups and jumps back up again rly proud, the "kids" are like "WTF?!" They ask him how he does it.
-"well, i dont drink, i wake up early everyday, i only eath healthy food, i dont sleep around I don't smoke or do anything that can be considered bad for my health. and tomorrow I am celebrating my 80th birthday"...
One of the young men look at him, thinks alittle bit then replies: "How?"
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:10
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy, pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Mordekay |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:11
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Member
Posts: 428
Joined: 17/02/2007 03:17
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on a wall outside a uni someone had written "god is dead - niche"
under some other guy had written: "niche is dead - God"
HAHA
"The Paramount Path of the Pale Proselyte Pegan is a Protracted Pursuit of Purification"-The Big M-
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:16
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.
His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy asks his mother and she replies "Hell yeah."
He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars.
He asks and his sister replies "Yes."
He again tells his father what the answer was. The little boy asks "So what's the difference?"
The father replied "Hypothetically we're rich, the fact is we're just living with a couple of whores."
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:17
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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A young lady is sitting on top of a pier with no arms and no legs. A man walks past her, and she cries.
The man goes up to her and asks her whats wrong. She says that she has never been hugged before, so he hugs her and walks off.
As he walks, the lady cries again. The man goes up to her and asks again whats wrong with her. She says she has never been kissed, so he kisses her and walks off.
She starts to sob now, so the man walks back and asks again. She says I have never been screwed before. So he picks her up, and throws her off the side, and says now your screwed.
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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| Lewsterin |
Posted on 04-10-2007 12:18
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Administrator
Posts: 1234
Joined: 06/08/2007 08:01
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A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.
That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.
The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."
The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.
At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
Lewsterin Kinslayer
Proud member of The Blade Order.
-Gunslingers! To me!
-We will be tested this day fellas! Prove or Die!
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